Dear Harper, Happy 1st Birthday!

Dear Harper,

Watching you grow up this past year has been the greatest blessing of my life. I want to spend all of my remaining time with you, but I know that tomorrow isn’t promised. So, for your first birthday, I’m writing out all of the most important life lessons that your dad and I want you to learn, just in case we don’t have the chance to teach them all to you in person. We’re only 32 and 36 at the time of writing this letter, so there’s still a lot we’ve yet to learn ourselves. Even so, we consider these lessons more valuable than anything else we can pass on to you. This is the real generational wealth, because learning these lessons early will give you a more purposeful life, a greater love for God, and a fortified strength of character.

1. Body Safety

Dad and I will do our best to protect you at all times, but the older you get, the more time you’ll spend away from us. There will be moments when we won’t be there to shield you, so we’ll give you the tools to protect yourself. Remember that you can tell me and your safe people anything, and you will never get in trouble for telling the truth. I promise to never overreact and to always believe you and take you seriously. No matter how old you are, remember the PANTS rule:

P – Privates are private. No one should ask to see or touch them.
A – Always remember your body belongs to you, and only you.
N – No means no. You can say no to all unwanted touch or requests.
T – Tell us right away if someone asks you to keep a secret from Mom or Dad. You will never get in trouble for telling us, and we will always believe you.
S – Sprint for help. If you’re uncomfortable, leave the scene immediately and ask for help.

Mr. Rogers once said, “Anything mentionable is manageable.” This means that if you can talk about it with someone you trust, the things that upset you will feel more manageable. So go to your safe people and tell us everything. We will protect you.

2. identity

As you grow up, you’ll start to form a complex sense of self. But remember that your core identity is neither a bad person nor a good person—you are a loved person. At the core of your identity, you are loved and wanted by God, and by us. This is so much better than forming an identity around a subjective and arbitrary moral statement, like “I am a good person.” We believe that your existence is inherently good, as the Bible states you are, but your core identity is not based on what you do. It is based on God’s love for you. And thank God this is the truth, because God’s love is unchangeable and unshakable.

Even on your worst days, you are still loved. Even when you make mistakes, or don’t perform well, or feel ashamed and want to hide under a rock, you are still loved. The Scriptures say, “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? [...] No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation—will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35–39).

It is crucial that you form your identity on the bedrock of God’s love, because otherwise you’ll source your identity elsewhere. Our senior pastor once said something profound: “A believer who does not grasp their true identity will be gripped by idolatry” (Pastor Tom Kang).

You see, Harper, everything is out to steal your identity because they know it’s valuable. All the billboards you see and commercials you watch—they make big bucks when you put your identity in your appearance and the stuff you own. And we’re only talking about the things you can see that are out for your identity—let alone the spiritual things you can’t even perceive. It’s fine to enjoy nice things and look beautiful, but don’t mistake what you own, what you do, and what you look like for who you are.

If you let God’s love be the foundation of your identity, you’ll slowly build the mindset that leads to a truly joyful life: the abundant mindset. This is the mindset that says, “There is always enough to go around, so I can relax and share freely with others.” Living with this mindset makes you calmer in crises because you won’t be too attached to your stuff, and you’ll have hope that times will eventually get better. The abundant mindset will also turn you into a better human being who truly glorifies God with your consistent kindness and generosity. This is the greatest gift that Ba Ngoai has given me, and now I hope to pass this mindset on to you. You are loved, and there is always an abundance of God’s goodness to go around.

3. faith

Most people think that our Christian faith is about being good enough to get into heaven, as though there is some cosmic tally board of our good and bad deeds, and we just have to cross our fingers and hope that the good deeds outweigh the bad at the time of our death. But that’s not what we believe in. C.S. Lewis wrote, “[Jesus] did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people alive.” So being a “good person” in order to get into heaven is not at all the point of Christianity.

The point of our faith is to have a reconciled relationship with God through accepting His Son, Jesus, as our Lord and Savior. Spending our eternity in heaven would be a byproduct of having a restored relationship with God. Think of it this way, my love: if heaven is like a house, then God is like the owner. If we don’t know the owner, then it’s not our place to barge into their house. No matter how “good” we think we are, we’d still need an invitation. Thankfully, this is what Jesus had to say in the Gospel of John:

“There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am” (John 14:2–3).

Do you see what I mean? When we form an authentic relationship with Jesus, He promises to prepare a place for us in His Father’s house so that we can be with Him for eternity. That is the point of Christianity—it’s about a restored relationship with the Father through accepting Jesus, not about trying to be good enough to get into heaven.

There will be so many moments when you’ll have valid questions and doubts, but I encourage you to always genuinely seek the answers through Him. Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened” (Matthew 7:7–8). It is that simple, but the waiting part is still very hard sometimes.

In moments when you don’t feel the presence of God and are wondering whether He’s even listening, I want to remind you of this thing that you’re learning right now at the age of one, called object permanence. When Momma leaves for a second, you have a little bit of a meltdown because you wholeheartedly fear that I won’t come back. But I always come back, my love. So just because you don’t hear or sense God near you doesn’t mean that He’s not around. His Holy Spirit is always surrounding you, Harper. He’s just giving you some space to grow, but you’re never out of His sight.

The more you spend time with God and come to Him for your daily needs, the more secure you’ll feel in His care. He promises to never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6; Deuteronomy 31:8; Hebrews 13:5; Matthew 28:20; John 14:18). This is relational permanency.

4. money & prestige

Your dad often jokes that he’s Mister Krabs, but he would never want you to fall into the same trap as we did while we grew up in the age of the internet. Your generation will be bombarded with more pressure to perform online than at any other point in human history, so let’s talk about how to navigate this.

First, let’s talk about money. The Bible talks about money more times than any other topic—even more than the topic of love itself! That’s because God understands the human heart really well, so He knows that we crave the things money can bring, like recognition, freedom, comfort, time to do what we want, and a sense of security. These are all good things that can be attained when we use money as a tool, but when we sacrifice our health and relationships in pursuit of money, it takes from us tenfold the things that it gives. Money has the potential to replace God in our lives and become the most destructive idol. So, how do you keep money in its rightful place so it doesn’t wreak havoc on your life?

Step 1. Practice the abundance mindset. Use your money to tithe to the church and help the poor often so you don’t grow too attached to it. This means that you should always set aside at least 10–15% of your income, expecting to help someone in need.

Step 2. Invest your money. Automatically deposit a certain amount into a brokerage account and high-yield savings account each month so it can grow on its own, and you don’t have to think twice about it. Don’t let your money just sit in the bank—this wastes your greatest resource in investing, which is time.

Step 3. Practice delayed gratification. Make the rule to never buy online past 5 p.m. If you feel like you need an object because you think it’ll make your life easier, save it in your bookmarks and wait for a month. If you still feel the same urgency to buy it after a month, I’d say it’s pretty justified. But if you hardly think about it anymore, don’t spend your hard-earned money on it.

Next, let’s talk about prestige. Prestige is defined as “widespread respect and admiration felt for someone or something on the basis of a perception of their achievements or quality.” It’s not a bad thing at all to want respect and admiration—we should desire it. Even the Bible states, “A good reputation is more valuable than costly perfume” (Ecclesiastes 7:1). But, like money, when we sacrifice our health and relationships in pursuit of prestige, it will take from us every benefit that it provides, with interest.

It’s hard not to want to appear beautiful, smart, and successful when that’s all we see on social media, but real, lasting prestige comes from the anonymous years you’ve spent developing your character long before you became known for your achievements. Any prestige that was gained in haste, without the character to back it up, will eventually be exposed as fraudulent, and everything you’ve built will come crumbling down like an opulent mansion built on eroded soil.

Keep the image of the plainness of Jesus in your heart, in juxtaposition to His level of importance. Isaiah 53:1–3 says, “He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him. He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces, He was despised, and we held Him in low esteem.”

Think of a tender shoot, or a little beansprout growing out of dry ground. It’s unremarkable, easily missed, and certainly has no prestige to write home about. In fact, people hated Jesus. He knew what it was like to feel misunderstood and rejected by the very people He loved. And yet, despite all this rejection, He never lost sight of His mission. Isaiah wrote, “Surely He took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered Him punished by God, stricken by Him, and afflicted. But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4–5).

In the heat of this social media frenzy, model your heart after the character of Jesus, and pray for God to promote you when the foundation of your heart can handle the burden of your prestige.

5. friendships

I’ve had a lifetime of navigating female friendships and dealing with my fair share of mean girls, and at the ripe age of 32, I think I’ve finally found my people. My sweet daughter, I’m heartbroken at the thought of anyone being mean to you or betraying your trust, but I know that the pain of friendships is inevitable. People are broken, and they project the pain they’ve felt by hurting others just the same.

I mentioned earlier that your worth isn’t in what you do or how you look, but it’s also not in who you hang out with. Find friends who inspire you to be more like Jesus, whether or not they’re Christian. Sometimes the non-Christian ones are unintentionally more Christlike than the ones who are. Don’t discriminate in your friendships based on beliefs, skin color, social status, or anything other than their character.

And for the ones who have repeatedly shown you that they do not have integrity, Melanie Shankle said it best in Here Be Dragons: “You can have forgiveness without reconciliation or restoration of the relationship.” Just shake the dust off your feet and move on.

There’s a powerful quote I want you to remember when it comes to harmful friendships: “Sometimes God removes you from a table you used to sit at to save you from a host that’s feeding you poison.” This journey of finding your people will often feel lonely and isolating, but that’s a short-term price to pay for long-term peace. While you patiently search for your people, focus on becoming the type of friend you would want to keep for the long haul.

6. boyfriends & relationships

Oh, your dad would have a field day with this topic. It’s okay—I’ll make sure he chills out when the time comes. When it comes to boys, there are some housekeeping rules that will save you from long-term harm:

  • His faithfulness toward God

  • How he treats people who can do nothing for him in return

  • His level of self-discipline

If he’s a faithful man who is self-motivated to do what is right even when he thinks no one is looking, that’s a sign of good character. Few men are like this, but they exist. Whatever you do, don’t marry a man for his potential, because that’s just a projection of what you would do if you were in his shoes—and you have no control over how he will be in the future.

So if you want to assess a marriage partner, think about who he is in the present. My prayer is that you will find a man who can be your safe landing when you fall—emotionally, physically, in all the ways. Your nervous system should feel at ease in his presence, and he should aim to lead you closer to the Lord in all situations. Unlike our other friendships, who we marry will have a profound impact on our priorities.

And of course, remember the PANTS rule. Anyone who doesn’t have the self-discipline to wait when you ask him to is not worth your salt. You are our beloved princess—the apple of our eyes. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

7. mental resilience

There’s a common yet harmful misunderstanding that resilience is built from learning how to white-knuckle your way through tough times alone—but that’s actually the exact recipe for mental trauma. Being isolated in your pain is a big no-no. How you actually build resilience is by sharing your burdens with a trusted group of friends or with a guardian or mentor who can walk with you through your experience.

I know—it doesn’t sound as catchy as “No pain, no gain”—but building resilience is not a one-step, easy process. We all carry the potential to develop a mental illness at one point or another in our lives, but like Dr. Daniel Amen said, “[G]enes are not a death sentence. What they should be is a wake-up call. Genes load the gun. It’s what happened to us and our behavior that pulls the trigger.”

So, here’s how to take care of your mental health like Jesus does (inspired by Rashawn Copeland @rashawntcopeland):

  • Set healthy boundaries (Mark 6:30–32) — You’re not a robot, so take the time to rest even if you feel like something else is more urgent. You won’t be able to show up in the way you’d hoped if you’re spread too thin.

  • Pray often (Luke 5:16) — Jesus regularly made time to pray, especially amid busy seasons of ministry. Prayer is not a nice-to-have like a vitamin, but a painkiller. Make it a habit to pray daily.

  • Prioritize sleep (Mark 4:37–39) — Even in a storm, Jesus rested. Sleep makes a huge difference in our mood, health, and productivity. Aim for at least 6–8 hours of quality sleep every day, and you’ll feel like a new person.

  • Practice gratitude (John 6:11) — Our brains are wired to look for lack, but we can re-train them to look for abundance by practicing daily gratitude.

  • Show forgiveness (Matthew 6:14) — There’s a big reason why Jesus taught forgiveness as a core principle of our relationship with others—the alternative, unforgiveness, is corrosive to our soul. Always put in the effort to forgive, just as God has forgiven you.

  • Know the Truth (John 8:32) — One of the most valuable things you can do for your mental health is to meditate on God’s truth so that you won’t be swayed by the abundance of lies that aim to steal your focus.

  • Seek support (Matthew 26:36–38) — It’s biblical to seek emotional support in moments of sorrow. Even Jesus invited his closest friends to be with him when he was breaking down in the Garden of Gethsemane.

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